Before we dive knuckles-first into this week’s Muskbox, it’s my duty to point out that tickets to tonight’s compelling Cubs-Reds matchup are currently selling for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS on StubHub. (HT: Ned Ryerson) If you’ve been waiting to see Rodrigo Lopez pitch, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE.
SIDE NOTE: Anyone need two tickets for tonight’s game? Face value! It’s a steal!
What are your thoughts on the Cubs’ GM search? Who are five candidates who could get serious consideration for the job?
— Ken W., Minneapolis
–Steve S., Chicago
No, wait. That’s too obvious.
–S. Stone, Chicago
CARRIE: This is such a key hire for the Ricketts family.
This hiring is so clutch, they’re thinking of letter Derek Jeter do it for them!
CARRIE: You’ve heard talk about changing the “culture” — the next GM will be responsible for creating a winning environment.
So we’re moving the team to Charlie Sheen’s townhouse.
CARRIE: There needs to be an emphasis on player development.
And rage management.
CARRIE: As you know, being the general manager of the Cubs is one of the prime jobs in baseball.
It’s almost as desirable as being the head coach of Notre Dame football! Does anyone outside of those two organizations ACTUALLY think these jobs are that much more attractive that jobs with successful franchises?
CARRIE: They play in a major sports market, have a devoted fan base and play 81 games at one of the top attractions in the state.
The Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum?
CARRIE: Who’s on the list? Depends on which rumors you listen to.
God knows if we’re expecting a reporter to acquire a piece of news and report on it, WE’RE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.
CARRIE: Tom Ricketts did not have a piece of paper in his pocket with potential candidates on Aug. 19, when Jim Hendry was dismissed.
He had 38 cents, keys to his Range Rover, a package of Eclipse gum, and an iPod Mini playing “Go, Cubs, Go!” on repeat.
CARRIE: Ricketts is talking to baseball people about the best way to proceed in the search.
RICKETTS: We have top men working on it.
CARRIE: Who?
RICKETTS: Top. Men.
PICTURE UNRELATED
CARRIE: He’s thorough. There is no timeline, but there is some urgency.
Preferably, he’d like to have someone in place before NEXT year’s trade deadline.
CARRIE: The next GM needs time to evaluate what the Cubs have before making decisions on coaches…
Well, that shouldn’t take long. “You have a starting pitcher, one left-handed setup man, a closer, and a starting shortstop.”
CARRIE: …most have contracts ending on Oct. 31 — plus the scouts, player-development staff and the roster. As for potential candidates, here are a half-dozen: Rangers assistant GM Thad Levine; Red Sox assistant GM Ben Cherington; Royals assistant GM J.J. Picollo; former Twins GM Terry Ryan; White Sox assistant GM Rick Hahn; Marlins assistant GM Mike Hill. Add those to the rumor mill.
Who are six people who have never been in my kitchen?
Why isn’t Tyler Colvin playing every day, versus righties and lefties?
Because he BLOOOOOOOOOOOOWS.
I love Reed Johnson, but he’s not the future.
Neither is Tyler Colvin.
Colvin should be playing every day to see if he can get his swing back and produce.
It’s cute how he’s suggesting that Colvin once had an awesome swing and then he lost it.
The season is over, and we should be looking to the future. The Cubs still don’t know if Colvin can perform well on a regular basis.
— John P., Austin, Texas
Yes, they do. He can’t.
CARRIE: September will be important for Colvin.
Because he’s a huge It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia fan?
CARRIE: The goal is to get him back on track and play him in situations where he can have success…
AAA?
CARRIE: …which is why he’s not facing left-handers. He’s 2-for-33 (.061) so far against lefties.
But those two hits were SOLID.
I’ve been following the Zambrano story very closely…
I love when people say dumb shit like this. How exactly are you following it more closely than anyone else? You’re just reading the articles about it, just like everyone else is. In fact, unless your bedroom walls look like this…
This means something!
…you can’t even really consider yourself a Zambrano FAN.
…and while he does have many temper tantrums, his numbers are quite good — 9-7, 4.82 ERA in 24 starts.
Listen, I miss Zambrano and think he got a shitty deal this year, but pointing as his numbers this year and calling them “quite good” isn’t doing him any favors.
Since the Cubs’ pitching hasn’t been great this year, knocking him out of the rotation might be overdoing the penalty, which I don’t think is necessary. The Cubs have struggled with starting pitching all year. Casey Coleman had a subpar outing his last start, against the Astros in Zambrano’s spot, and it shows what the Cubs have to lose if they drop him. What do you think they’ll do?
— Felix H., Hanover, N.H.
I think Carlos’ disqualification was the final “fuck you” of the long-con “fuck you” that Jim Hendry pulled on this franchise.
CARRIE: Zambrano was not placed on the disqualified list because of his performance on the field.
Hold up. Let’s not be as stupid as we normally are. If Carlos Zambrano was pitching like Roy Halladay, there’s no WAY the Cubs disqualify him. At least part of the reason that the Cubs’ front office got sick of Zambrano’s act was because of his “declining” performance. It’s the same thing that happened to Sosa. You’re willing to put up with a lot more from a guy who’s producing for you.
CARRIE: After giving up five home runs to the Braves, he told teammates he was “retiring,” packed his gear and left Turner Field on Aug. 12. A few days later, he changed his story.
We know. We’ve been following this story VERY CLOSELY.
"That's good reporting!"
CARRIE: Yes, Zambrano has the potential to be a solid starting pitcher…
Potential? Or he’s actually BEEN a solid starting pitcher for the vast majority of his career? You bitch.
CARRIE: …but he can also be a huge distraction.
Other things that the Ricketts family finds distracting:
- Colors that aren’t gray.
- BOGO sales at Payless.
- Tentacle porn.
CARRIE: The Major League Baseball Players Association did file a grievance on his behalf, but look at the calendar. Even if he was reinstated, Zambrano has not pitched in three weeks. I don’t expect to see him in a Cubs uniform again.
And I keep expecting the Cubs to eventually give me control of the Muskbox, yet this dance continues, week after agonizing week.
Is there any chance the Cubs give Tony Campana the opportunity to be the starting center fielder for next season?
FUCK YOU.
With his speed, he would seem to be a defensive upgrade. He’s already shown himself to be a baserunning threat in limited opportunities.
— David W., Duncan, Okla.
This same logic is why we had to watch Corey Patterson play center field.
CARRIE: Yes, Campana is fast, but the Cubs don’t need a defensive upgrade in center field, with Marlon Byrd out there. Campana has already taken steps to take advantage of his speed.
Right, then left, then right, then left, and so on and so forth.
CARRIE: He worked with Juan Pierre of the White Sox on his bunting technique.
Holy shit. The one piece of unique news that the Muskbox has reported all season is terrible, shitty, heartbreaking news. Is Pierre also the one who taught Campana to wear his hat like a total asshole?
CARRIE: Scouts tell me Campana should be fined every time he hits the ball in the air.
Scouts wonder if you’ve ever heard of this hilarious new movie they just saw for the first time. It’s called Major League, and it stars that guy from White Men Can’t Jump.
CARRIE: He plans on working this offseason to get stronger so he can expand his role.
I make that plan every New Year’s Eve, and by the end of the night, I’m drunker than the year before, eating a burrito and crying.
I really like Mike Quade’s sunglasses.
Man, we are REALLY stretching for ways to compliment this guy.
Any chance you can put in a good word for me and maybe he’ll send them to me after the season?
— Jeff W., Huntley, Ill.
I have a feeling after this season, Mike’s going to need to sell those sunglasses for a bottle of hooch.
CARRIE: They’re Oakley sunglasses, designed in the Cubs’ colors. The model is MLB Flak Jacket, and you can purchase them yourself.
Also, they’re as fuck-ugly as Quade himself.