We Interrupt Making Fun of Gordon to Make Fun of the Muskbox

Returning to the Muskbox after a long weekend of making fun of Gordon Wittenmyer makes me realize what’s really important in life. And that’s knowing that, no matter how many Matchbox cars I shove up my nose, I will never be the stupidest Cub fan on this green-and-blue marble we call Earth. Especially not with Gordon still out there. Okay, I’m done with him now. For now. This week’s Muskbox includes not only TWO questions about calendar dates, but also TWO questions about Reed Johnson! Why? WHY THE HELL NOT?

What are the Cubs planning on doing for a leadoff hitter? I don’t think they have one on the roster.
— Tim S., New Albany, Ind.

The weird thing about rosters is that ANYONE can be a leadoff hitter if you just put them into the leadoff spot. Unless you’re doing Dusty Baker’s roster. Because then you have to be black, play center field, and preferably be Corey Patterson to lead off.

CARRIE: You’re right.

Somewhere, Kosuke Fukudome just committed seppuku. Probably in Japan.

CARRIE: Cubs manager Mike Quade is aware, too. “You look at this club, as I do right now…”

You look at the club with disgust, too? And sometimes you throw a beer at this club and wish you were born in New York?

CARRIE: “…and you say, ‘Who’s a perennial leadoff guy?'” Quade said. “‘Who’s the prototypical leadoff guy? Do we have one?’ And I would say, ‘I don’t think so.'”

And then I would say- No, wait. YOU tell ME, what I’d say, Quade!

1st Runner-Up Joke:
Is Mike Quade writing a screenplay starring me as CYNICAL CUBS FAN?

2nd Runner-Up Joke:
Mike and I must have had this conversation at Shitty O’Kea’s, because I don’t remember it AT ALL.

CARRIE: “OK, when the answer is ‘I don’t think so,’…

…the question is, “Would you like to buy a Pick 13 ticket package?”

CARRIE: “…I can mix and match.” That means Quade will experiment with different players in the No. 1 spot this spring, including Blake DeWitt, Jeff Baker, Tyler Colvin and Kosuke Fukudome, and he may go with a leadoff man by committee.

Good idea. That way, Quade can decide his leadoff hitter based on that day’s matchup. So, as long as the starting pitcher is absolutely terrible at pitching, he’ll have four legitimate options to lead off.

How is Tyler Colvin doing and will he be ready for Spring Training?
— Ed W., Streamwood, Ill.

Please note, that this is a compound question requiring two separate answers, such as, “Good,” and “Yes.”

CARRIE: Colvin, whose rookie season ended early when he was stabbed in the chest by a broken bat in September…

That bat, which was made of wood, which is the stabbiest of all materials…

CARRIE: …is healthy and has been working out in Mesa, Ariz., since late November. He’s been joined at “Camp Colvin”…

…which is a really terrible nickname, which is an affectionate alternative to a proper name, which will never catch on.

CARRIE: …by more than 30 players — that includes several prospects…

Impossible! NSBB informed me that the Cubs gave up EVERY SINGLE ONE of their prospects in exchange for Matt Garza!

CARRIE: …– eager to get a head start on the 2011 season.

/checks nut-punch countdown clock
//sighs

Note that Carrie answered how Colvin is doing. She failed to answer whether or not he will be ready for Spring Training. INTRIGUING? Or INCOMPETENT?

My father and I are both big Cubs fans and Notre Dame fans, so, of course, we follow Jeff Samardzija very closely.

“Not closely enough to violate our court-ordered restraining orders, of course, but- You know- CLOSELY.”

With the recent pitching additions, what are the plans for Jeff this season?
— Mike C., Canyon Lake, Calif.

1. Continue being signed with the Cubs
2. Collect money
3. ???
4. PROFIT!!!

CARRIE: Samardzija is on the ever-increasing list of candidates for the rotation or the bullpen. He’s out of options, so this is a big spring for him. The right-hander has been in Mesa to train since early November.

Mesa? Or a little place I like to call the Samardzija Shantytown!?

CARRIE: Said Samardzija:

“Why wouldn’t you just use ‘Samardzija said’?”

CARRIE: “I’m very, very excited with how things are going and how I’m working out, how I’m throwing the ball, how I’m throwing off the mound already. I know at the end of the year, it’ll be a different story than what it is now.”

Meaning at the end of the year he…WON’T be excited about how well he’s throwing?

CARRIE: “A lot is to be written, but I’m excited. I feel great, I really do.”

Sounds like EVERYONE is going to get a writing credit in Quade’s screenplay, tentatively titled, Quade of Reckoning II: Not By the Hair of My Chinny Chin Chin.

When do Cubs pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training?
— Elliott B., Naperville, Ill.

Is the Muskbox the only place left in existence that still abbreviates Illinois with a double L?

CARRIE: Pitchers and catchers report on Feb. 12, and their first workout will be the next day at Fitch Park in Mesa.

Or, as I like to call it, PITCH PARK!

CARRIE: The first full-squad workout is Feb. 19.

There’s no joke here. I just want you to take a minute to ponder the fact that someone just penciled the date of the first full-squad Cubs workout of 2011 into his calendar. Just a few days removed from the nothing he has penciled in on Valentine’s Day.

When do the 2011 regular-season tickets go on sale?
— Ian S., Dickinson, N.D.

I went to Cubs.com just to see how simply Ian could have answered this question himself (it’s stupidly not easy). Instead, I noticed two things.

1. This year’s Cubs Convention is still not sold out! Grab your tickets today!
2. This.
   
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   His real sign read, "BRING BACK RYNO AND ROLLED-UP JACKET SLEEVES!"

   CARRIE: Individual game tickets for the 2011 season go on sale Feb. 25.

   And with the way these tickets have been FLYING off the…shelves(?), they will sell out just about the time that ground breaks for the Todd 2014 Project.

   I loved Reed Johnson as a Cub as much as anybody…

   “Don’t you DARE question my love of Reed Johnson. I WILL STAB YOU!”

   …and the ’08 team with him was one of the best Cubs teams ever.

   Indeed. They almost won a playoff game!

   /shakes fist at Ryan Dempster
   //draws four-pitch walk off of Ryan Dempster

   However, his recent re-signing doesn’t make sense to me.

   Other things that don’t make sense to him:

   • Yeah, it’s called standing ROOM, but I can’t fit in that aisle AT ALL!
   • Why do they call the wife of a gay man a beard when DeRosa had one?
   • Why haven’t they released thirtysomething on Blu-Ray yet?

   I know it was only a Minor League contract with an invite to Spring Training, but if he is healthy…

   Not likely.

   …and plays like Reed Johnson…

   Pretty damn likely.

   …he has a good shot at making the Major League roster. With the outfield already crowded with Marlon Byrd, Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome and Tyler Colvin, and the option of Colvin playing first base gone, where would Reed fit? Someone would need to be moved. We know Soriano and Colvin aren’t going anywhere.

   Colvin is as untradeable as Soriano?

   Byrd was a workhorse most of last season, and even though it would make sense to move Fukudome, giving up a left-handed bat for Johnson doesn’t seem feasible.
   — Earnie B., Saint Charles, Va.

   That’s the way you spell “Ernie” if you’re STACKING CHEDDAR!

   Or if your parents are retarded.

   CARRIE: If he’s healthy and plays like the Johnson of ’08, he could be on the roster as an extra outfielder. One of the reasons the Cubs included Sam Fuld in the Matt Garza deal…

   …is because Sam Fuld is a cute mascot, but a terrible player.

   CARRIE: …and wanted Fernando Perez was because they felt they had enough left-handed-hitting outfielders and wanted an extra right-handed bat. Johnson and Perez will be competing for the same job.

   That’s ALTERNATE FOURTH OUTFIELDER in Mike Quade’s screenplay. And it’s called a “part,” not a “job.”

   There isn’t much known about Fernando Perez

   Like, is he seven feet tall? Does he have a batting average? From which side of the plate does he hit? There’s absolutely no way of knowing until he shows up in camp.

   …other than his accomplishments during Tampa Bay’s World Series run.

   He had a total of 69 at-bats in 2008, and only 9 of those came during the postseason. But he was always on time for work, I guess.

   What can we expect from Perez in 2011?
   — Melvin B., Beverly, N.J.

   Punctuality!

   CARRIE: Perez is fast, a switch-hitter and very sharp. He was selected by the Rays in the seventh round of the 2004 First-Year Player Draft and has a career .279 batting average in the Minor Leagues. He was limited in ’09 because of a wrist injury. He has appeared in 41 regular-season big league games and is 22-for-94 (.234) with five stolen bases. He went to school at Columbia University in New York — the same school that Hall of Famers Lou Gehrig and Eddie Collins attended. He’s a poet, has his own blog and Twitter account, and is a gifted writer.

   He also thinks The Heckler is as terrible as everyone else does. I love this guy. Please hit .480 in Spring Training, Fernando.

   Now that we have Reed Johnson back, is he going to start blogging “Reed Between the Lines” again?
   — Karyn M., Maitland, Fla.

   Better question. Do we really want him to? In Fernando Perez, the Cubs have the most interesting, well-read, intelligent player they’ve had since Doug Glanville. Just pray he makes the team and read HIS stuff.

   CARRIE: Maybe he’ll revive the blog during Spring Training. I’ll see what I can do.

   SPOILERS: Nothing.

   My wife and I are big Cubs fans. We have an 18-month-old named Maddux, who we named after…

   My beagle, Maddux?

   …Cubs great Greg Maddux.

   Oh. You did that to a PERSON?

   We are expecting our second son in May and are having trouble picking a Cub with the name of Garret.
   — Kyle N., Delaware, Ohio

   JODY GERUT!

   CARRIE: There was an Adrian Garrett, who played in 1970 and from 1973-75, but he had a .163 average in four seasons with the Cubs. There has not been a Cubs player with the first name Garret. How about Geovany, Tyler or Fergie?

   How about birth control?

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