I’m a former teacher. And, as such, I’m going to give you a brief, in-class assignment. Imagine every single random, bad pitcher around the MLB you can recall in recent years. The Jason Grillis. The D.J. Carrascos. The Carlos Villanueavas. Of all the random middling veteran relievers you’ve ever seen take the mound, where would you rank Chad Durbin on the list of those relievers? NUMBER ONE??? If so, then congratulations! YOU are the target demographic of this week’s Muskbox.
Who will back up Pena at first base?
The right fielder? Oh, you mean on days that Pena isn’t playing?
Is Colvin going to get some time at first this spring?
— Tim S., New Albany, Ind.
Yes, on the rare occasions that he actually draws a walk.
CARRIE: Yes, Colvin will start at first base in Cactus League games. During workouts so far, Colvin does early drills with the outfielders, then switches gloves…
CARRIE: …and rotates with Pena at first on defensive drills. Pena may be his best teacher.
Pena? More like YODA!
CARRIE: He’s a Gold Glove winner…
So is Derek Jeter.
CARRIE: …left-handed…
For the past 27 years, my right-handed father has been the hitting and fielding coach for my southpaw ass. Never once did it matter that he was right handed.
CARRIE: …and, so far, has been eager to help. Who knows?
I have a guess as to who doesn’t.
CARRIE: Maybe Colvin is the Cubs’ first baseman of the future. See the next question.
Who wrote this version of the Cubs’ future? Aldous Huxley?
What are the odds the Cubs have any chance of picking up Albert Pujols next year?
SLIM: Welp, looks like I have to be leaving town.
NONE: I’ll give you a ride.
It seems like we have too much money invested in Alfonso Soriano…
I haven’t even thrown in a dime!
…Aramis Ramirez and now Carlos Marmol to do anything with him. Could the Cubs decide to sign Pena to a longer deal this year?
— David W., Augusta, Ga.
And block Tyler Colvin? WHY???
CARRIE: Yes, Pujols will be a free agent at the end of the season, but he wants to stay with the Cardinals, and St. Louis will do everything it can to keep him.
Come for the Mason! Stay for the Dixon!
CARRIE: The Cubs do have some contracts to deal with in 2012, but Ramirez, Kosuke Fukudome and Carlos Silva all come off the books after this season. That should give general manager Jim Hendry a little more flexibility than he had this past winter.
He can reach all the way to his belt now!
CARRIE: As for Pena, the Cubs want to see how he bounces back from last year and how he adjusts to day games and the National League before talking about a new deal.
They also want to see what other teams are offering him, so they can double it and give him an extra year.
Are the Cubs going to consider going after a lefty for the rotation? I don’t see a left-hander getting into the rotation on the current roster.
— Brandon P., Wallingford, Conn.
Don’t the Cubs already have approximately ten starting pitchers on the roster? Because Glendon Rusch would be AWESOME.
CARRIE: They very well could be all right-handed unless Russell wins a spot.
NOW who won the Tom Gorzelanny trade? Huh?
CARRIE: You want the five best pitchers…
Unless three of them are Carlos Marmol, Sean Marshall, and Kerry Wood.
CARRIE: …and although some variety is good, that may not be an option. The Cubs could counter by having as many as four lefties in the bullpen with John Grabow, Sean Marshall, Scott Maine and Russell if he doesn’t start.
Oh, good. The Cubs can neutralize all of those left-handed power hitters in the NL Central like- Um. Joey Votto? Prince Fielder?
Even with the addition of Kerry Wood, the Cubs are still severely lacking in experience in the bullpen. There are still free-agent relief pitchers who would be rather inexpensive and are productive veterans like…
Here it comes.
…Chad Durbin. Is there any interest in adding another veteran to the bullpen at this point?
— Aaron S., Oxford, Iowa
Why? And why Chad Durbin? It’s such an obscure reference. Hell, in his career, Durbin has only pitched 19.2 innings against the Cubs. So it’s not like he sees him all the time. It’s just strange, is all.
CARRIE: They have some veterans in camp already who fit your description in Braden Looper and Todd Wellemeyer, both non-roster invitees. The makeup may seem young, but they also get Grabow back and Marshall isn’t a rookie anymore.
So Marshall has another year’s worth of innings on his arm and Grabow is back? What’s the BAD news?
What are the Cubs’ plans with Hayden Simpson, the first-round pick?
Build him up to be the next big thing, blow out his arm in his third season, and release him or trade him for crap.
I understand he was experiencing a setback because of illness, but he should progress quickly. Any thoughts on his chances to be looked at closely this spring?
— Paul B., Hartland, Wis.
I think that he’ll be looked at closely this spring.
CARRIE: Simpson has been in Mesa, Ariz., working out and will take part in a Minor League mini-camp, which starts later this week. He’ll be watched closely, just like everyone else.
Jody Davis is watching you train...AND MASTURBATE.
When do the Spring Training tickets for the Cubs’ games in Las Vegas go on sale?
— Janet M., Arcadia, Calif.
All I know is when they’ll sell out. Which is never.
CARRIE: They’re on sale now through the Las Vegas 51s website.
HURRY!!!!
I noticed the Cubs will be playing in Boston this season. When was the last time they played at Fenway Park?
— Sam H., Oklahoma City
The 2004 World Ser- Oh, dammit.
CARRIE: This will be the Cubs’ first trip to Fenway since the 1918 World Series. The last time these two teams met was an Interleague series June 10-12, 2005, at Wrigley Field, when the Cubs won two out of three. Greg Maddux and Wellemeyer were the winning pitchers in the first two games.
What an obscure stat to give from that series. Why not give something more interesting? Like that Glendon Rusch got the only Cub loss? Or that Neifi Perez and Corey Patterson batted 1-2 in all three games of the series? Or that Cliff Bartosh was a Cub?