Hartig just told me that 9 out of 10 house fires are caused by candles.
What are your thoughts on moving Alfonso Soriano up in the batting order?
OH MY JESUS CHRIST. We just spent the last three years bitching about how Soriano should be moved DOWN in the order.
I understand we will likely see power from Carlos Pena and Aramis Ramirez as the season progresses, but Soriano’s among the league leaders with 11 dingers and it just seems silly to bury him in the bottom of the order.
— Chad B., Garrett, Ind.
Garrett, Indiana!
What a wonderful name,
Named for Garrett Olson of Pirate pitching fame.
Garrett, Indiana, as LaTroy Hawkins would say,
“It can’t do what I do, so go the fuck away!”
Garrett, Indiana, Garrett Indiana, Garrett, Indiana,
Let me say it once again.
Garrett, Indiana, Garrett, Indiana, Garrett, Indiana,
That’s the town that has bad ideas now and then.
CARRIE: Soriano strikes out a lot, which is…
Not all that big of a deal?
CARRIE: …one of the reasons he was moved out of the leadoff spot. Manager Mike Quade has had Soriano bat as high as fifth twice this year, but he also is trying to keep a left-right mix if possible, which is why Pena usually follows Ramirez. The lineup is still evolving.
As of right now, we’re safe, because the lineup’s vision is based on movement. But God help us all if the lineup harnesses the power of FLIGHT!
CARRIE: In Derrek Lee’s first year with the Cubs in 2004, he began the season batting sixth.
I- I have no idea why this sentence is here. The original question was not about either Derrek Lee or the 2004 season. Is the connection that he batted sixth? Because Soriano has actually batted sixth fewer times this year than he’s batted seventh.
WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN???
I know it’s early, but is there any chance Pena becomes the backup first baseman?
I know it’s early, so don’t you think it’s a bad idea to be huffing glue?
With Jeff Baker so hot, why not make him the starting first baseman?
— Brandon G., Verona, Wis.
And then bring DeRosa back and make him the starting second baseman!
CARRIE: Quade is trying to get Baker in the lineup, because he’s swinging the hot bat.
I’m pretty sure “swinging the hot bat” is a dick trick.
CARRIE: It’s a little early to give up on Pena.
I’m glad all three of us are clear on what time it is.
CARRIE: He’s had good at-bats and has been foiled by the inclement conditions at home. He did hit three home runs in four games, and was 6-for-16 in his last five games.
Meaning he’s two bloop singles away from hitting .250 in his last five games. REACH FOR THE STARS!
Why did Blake DeWitt get put on the All-Star ballot at second base instead of Darwin Barney? I don’t think DeWitt has even started a game at second this year.
— Ryan P., Normal, Ill.
This is actually a good question. Why the hell WOULD he be on the ballot?
CARRIE: Teams submitted their lists of All-Star candidates before the regular season began, and at the time, DeWitt was projected as the Cubs’ starting second baseman, not Barney. If you want to vote for Barney…
…you probably don’t care if the National League wins the All-Star Game.
CARRIE: …you can write-in his name at the bottom of the online ballot on Cubs.com. And, DeWitt has started two games at second.
And both of those games were complete games. IRON MAN!
With Tyler Colvin’s struggles continuing, are the Cubs considering sending him to Triple-A Iowa? And, if they are, who are they thinking about bringing up as a replacement?
— Mike M., Germantown, Md.
FERNANDO PEREZ, MOTHER FUCKERS! MAKE IT HAPPEN!
CARRIE: Quade said trying to get Colvin at-bats is the toughest part of his job right now…
Second-hardest part? WINNING GAMES.
CARRIE: …and that’s because…
He sucks.
CARRIE: …the other three outfielders — Soriano, Marlon Byrd and Kosuke Fukudome — are playing well. Colvin is batting .121. Sending Colvin to Triple-A Iowa has been discussed, but whoever would be called up would have the same role as a backup and be used primarily as a pinch-hitter. Among the options at Iowa are Lou Montanez, who was batting .367 with four homers and 30 RBIs in 29 games, and Tony Campana, who was hitting .337 with eight RBIs in 23 games. Neither is on the Cubs’ 40-man roster.
Sure, Perez is only hitting .173, but he has a robust .323 OBP and a- wait- a .235 SLG? Can that possibly be right? You’d think speed alone would get his slugging at least over .300.
How many games have the Cubs won when they score in the first? I feel like it’s been happening a lot this year and some first-inning runs would lead to a lot more wins than we have now.
— Zack H., Burbank, Ill.
The HARTIGPUTER says they should try to score runs in EVERY inning!
CARRIE: Actually, the Cubs are 3-7 when they score in the first inning. They are 9-7 when they score first, and 12-6 when they score four or more runs. When they outhit their opponent, the Cubs are 11-6.
And check out this nugget. When they score more runs, they’re UNDEFEATED.
CARRIE: Getting some more power would help. They’re 6-1 when they hit at least two home runs in a game. The problem is not what inning they get the runs but that they get some runs.
Then they should do the Seventh Inning Stretch after EVERY inning! Think of the celebrities and high school champion volleyball teams we could see!
CARRIE: The Cubs rank second in the National League with a .268 team batting average…
Wait, really?
CARRIE: …but they’re tied for 12th in runs and tied for 13th in RBIs. By the way, the Cardinals, who come to town Tuesday for a three-game series, rank first in the NL in batting average, runs and RBIs.
And Best-Fandedness!
Your comment about the “W” flags that are raised after each Cubs victory piqued my interest. I was surprised to learn that a new flag is raised each time. What happens to the “used” flags?
— Eric H., Manila, Philippines
Hendry uses them as bibs when he eats “W”affles.
CARRIE: You’re not alone in terms of interest, considering the number of e-mails I received.
You ARE, however alone in all other aspects of your life.
CARRIE: The Cubs do raise a new flag for every win. Some of the “W” flags go to charity events, some are available at the Cubs Convention, and some are kept by the team. They are not for sale or auctioned off.
Except for probably at the charity events, when they might be auctioned off. Unless the flags are just used as decoration at charity events for “W”hite people. Or capes for Ronnie “W”oo-Woo. Ah, screw it. Just give the extras to the Nationals. They’ll probably end up winning more games than the Cubs will, anyhow.