Will H. Simpson Please Report to the Muskbox? D’oh!

After a weirdly busy week, I’m refreshed, enthusiastic, and ready to tackle these last few Spring Training games. In case you haven’t noticed. And, judging by ticket sales, you haven’t. The season starts in 11 days. God help me, I’m getting excited about it. Perhaps because I’m sober for the first time since Thursday. Perhaps because I’m just an idiot. Perhaps because, due to me not posting last week’s Muskbox until just right there, there’s a chance for TWO Muskboxes this week! Perhaps I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend. The Muskbox.

I’m curious what the plan is for Colvin.

1. Collect base hits
2. ???
3. PROFIT!!!

He’s got a great bat and shows flashes of being a potential star. How will the Cubs get him in the starting lineup on a regular basis.

Question marks. Use them. Or else Carrie gets confused and reports these things as fact.

Future Cubs.com headline: SOURCES INDICATE COLVIN IN STARTING LINEUP ON REGULAR BASIS.

Will he get enough at-bats to produce the 25 to 30 homers he’s capable of?
— Jeff W., Berea, Ky.

How are they going to get him 1,200 at-bats?

CARRIE: The plan is to get him enough at-bats, but manager Mike Quade has the same problem Lou Piniella did…

Bruce Levine?

CARRIE: …and that is figuring out how to fit four outfielders into three spots.

ARF has spent YEARS and thousands of research dollars trying to figure out how to fit four things into three holes.

CARRIE: The Cubs are eager to see if Colvin can avoid the dreaded second-year slump that so many players go through (e.g., Geovany Soto in 2009).

And you all thought it was foolish for Carrie to take those Latin classes.

CARRIE: Last season, Colvin hit 20 homers in 358 at-bats. That’s the same number of at-bats Kosuke Fukudome had…

MONEY WELL-SPENT!

CARRIE: …(Marlon Byrd got 580 at-bats, Alfonso Soriano, 496). Colvin has been playing first base this spring and could get some at-bats that way when Quade wants to give Carlos Pena a breather. However, Jeff Baker is the backup first baseman.

While some might say he’s not a backup first baseman at all!

Why does Quade bat the pitcher against American League teams in Spring Training? He’s the only manager to do so.
— Mark G., Lake Park, Ga.

Cut him some slack. It’s his first time doing this. Also, he’s fucking HAMMERED.

CARRIE: Because the Cubs’ pitchers have to bat during the regular season. Matt Garza, for example, has 11 career at-bats and zero hits in his career. Now that he’s starting on the Cubs, he could get two to three at-bats each game. Last year, he had three at-bats total. On Monday, Garza had two at-bats against the Mariners and bunted twice, and nearly muffed the first bunt. If they don’t practice now and fail to deliver in July, someone will be screaming that they should’ve worked on hitting in Spring Training.

The Cubs are COUNTING on that production out of the nine hole.

It’s going to be a loooooooooooong season.

Why don’t the Cubs let Welington Castillo back up Geovany Soto?

Due to my recently-discovered hatred of Koyie Hill and love of Beef Wellington, I like this delicious plan.

All I ever see Castillo do is hit. I can’t stand to watch another .203 year from Koyie Hill. Yes, Hill handles the staff well. But he simply cannot hit. And defensively, if we can handle 20-plus errors out of Starlin Castro, Castillo will not lose us any games. What’s the deal?
— Andrew E., Chicago

Also, what’s the deal with airline food, the differences between men and women, and boring Facebook status updates?

CARRIE: A catcher’s first priority is to handle the pitchers, which is what makes Hill so valuable.

Hill has more catching ability in his three and a half little fingers than Castillo has in his whole body.

CARRIE: He’s had a major impact on the young pitchers, such as Randy Wells and Andrew Cashner.

WELLS: He’s doing that detachable thumb trick again!

CASHNER: I don’t think that’s a trick.

CARRIE: The Cubs aren’t that strong defensively up the middle, so Castillo’s defense is key.

So he can scream out helpful things like, “Blake, you should try to catch this grounder!”

CARRIE: As for Castro, let’s hope the hard work he and the coaches are doing will help him avoid another 20-plus errors.

Honestly, though, why NOT just go with Castillo? He’ll turn 24 years old this year, he does look like he can hit a little, and- Wait. The Cubs actually think they’re going to contend this year, don’t they? Crap.

I was just wondering where Hayden Simpson might begin this year and how far he is from being considered for the big leagues.
— Eric L., Plantation, Fla.

Evergreen Terrace, of course. I was initially going to apologize for only being able to find this clip in German, except it’s a THOUSAND TIMES MORE AWESOME.

CARRIE: This will be Simpson’s first season playing in the Cubs organization, so he could begin at Class A Boise, though that’s yet to be determined.

Or perhaps he’ll be on the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team.

CARRIE: The Cubs’ Minor Leaguers begin playing games at Fitch Park in Mesa, Ariz., on Saturday. The Cubs’ No. 1 pick in last year’s First-Year Player Draft, Simpson was ill last summer and could not get started on his pro career.

And he knows something about missing out on the summer. This is, um, close enough.

CARRIE: He’s a long way from pitching at Wrigley Field.

And a long way from home!

Okay, I’m done.